d•j•dy•nas•ty (d•j•di•nas•t) n (1996) 1 : a real-time look into the life of a gay man 2 : an undramatized diary for public viewing esp. via the internet

When time stood still —

For a brief moment when time stood still, you looked at me and said you’d make me safe. You’d get me out of this god forsaken town. You offered to colorize my life.

I believed you. I put all my trust in you.
But you left me alone to deal with the biggest crisis I’d ever endure with no support what so ever. You sat and waited for that crisis to wear me down to the point I would think your return was like the second coming of Christ.

You made me feel like unwanted trash. I watched you with others and you never touched me and talk to me that way in public.

I used to feel special because we were together, now I feel like I was the last available option. I was the one who had the patience and determination to get what I thought I wanted.

It turns out I didn’t need you to have strength. Always using the excuse I needed to clear my calendar and tie up all the loose ends first so I could leave. You’ve made it clear in your repeated actions or lack of actions towards me that you didn’t want to be with someone like me. The very thought of touching me in public repulsed you. Always listening to what everyone else said about how people like you don’t date people like me.

Even when I try to recapture that magic between us, I’m interrupting your sleep. I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting intimacy with someone I thought loved me as much as I loved him. I’ve tried moving slowly and moving fast. All I know is I’m tired of being neglected.

Life is a series of steps. You have to go step by step to succeed. Another couple steps and I won’t care what’s on my calendar because it’ll be someone else’s problem.

Categorised as: Relationship Struggles

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